HOMESICKNESS
One of our
volunteers in the late war lost some of his first enthusiasm under the bitter
experience of campaigning. One night at the front in France, while his
company was stationed in a wood, a lieutenant discovered the recruit sitting on
a log and weeping bitterly. The officer spoke roughly:
"Now, what
are you bawling about, you big baby?"
"I wish I
was in my daddy's barn!" replied the soldier in a plaintive voice.
"In your
daddy's barn!" the astonished lieutenant exclaimed. "What
for? What would you do if you were in your daddy's barn?"
"If I was in
my daddy's barn," the youth explained huskily through a choking sob,
"I'd go into the house mighty quick!"
HONEYMOON
The newly married
pair were stopping in a hotel. The bride left the groom in their room
while she went out on a brief shopping expedition. She returned in due
time, and passed along the hotel corridor to the door, on which she tapped
daintily.
"I'm back,
honey -- let me in," she murmured with wishful tenderness. But there
was no answer vouchsafed to her plea. She knocked a little more firmly,
and raised her voice somewhat to call again:
"Honey,
honey -- it's Susie! Let me in!"
Thereupon a very
cold masculine voice sounded through the door:
"Madam, this
is not a beehive; it's a bathroom!"
HONORABLE INTENTIONS
A certain man
notorious for his slowness paid attention for two years to a young lady, without
coming to the point. The girl's father thought it time for him to
interfere. On the swain's next visit, the father interviewed him:
"Clinton,
you've been settin' up with Nellie, an' takin' her to picnics, an' to church an'
buggy-ridin', an' nothin's come of it. So now, Clinton, I ask you, as man
to man, what be your intentions?"
And Clinton
responded unabashed:
"Well,
answerin' you as man to man, I'll say there hain't no cause for you to ruffle
your shirt. My intentions is honorable -- but remote."
HOSPITAL
Little Mary, who
had fallen inll, begged for a kitten. It was found that an operation was
necessary for the child's cure, and that she must go to the hospital. The
mother promised that if she would be very brave during this time of trial she
should have the very finest kitten to be found.
As Mary was
coming out from the influence of the anesthetic, the nurse heard her muttering,
and stooping, heard these words:
"It's a bum
way to get a cat."
HOSPITALITY
The good wife
apologized to her unexpected guests for serving the apple pie without
cheese. The little boy of the family slipped quietly away from the table
for a moment, and returned with a cube of cheese, which he laid on the guest's
plate. The visitor smiled in recognition of the lad's thoughtfulness,
popped the cheese into his mouth, and then remarked:
"You must
have sharper eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find it?"
The boy replied
with a flush of pride:
"In the
rat-trap."
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