DRINK II

     A mouse chanced on a pool of whiskey that was the result of a raid by prohibition-enforcement agents.  The mouse had had no previous acquaintance with liquor, but now, being thirsty, it took a sip of the strange fluid, and then retired into its hole to think.  After some thought, it returned to the  pool, and took a second sip of the whiskey.  It then withdrew again to its hole, and thought.  Presently, it issued and drew near the pool for the third time.  Now, it took a big drink.  Nor did it retreat to its hole.  Instead, it climbed on a soap box, stood on its hind legs, bristled its whiskers, and squeaked:

     "Now, bring on your cat!"

*  *  *

     The owner of a hunting lodge in Scotland presented his gamekeeper with a fur cap, of the sort having ear flaps.  When at the lodge the following year, the gentleman asked the gamekeeper how he liked the cap.  The old man shook his head dolefully.

     "I've nae worn it since the accident."

     "What accident was that?" his employer demanded.  "I've heard of none."

     "A mon offered me a dram, and I heard naething of it."

     The old farmer was driving home from town, after having imbibed rather freely.  In descending a a hill, the horse stumbled and fell, and either could not, or would not, get to its feet again.  At last, the farmer spoke savagely:

     "Dang yer hide, git up thar -- or I'll drive smack over ye!"

     Mrs. Smith addressed her neighbor, whose husband was notoriously brutal, and she spoke with a purr that was catty:

     "You know, my dear, my husband is so indulgent!"

     And the other woman retorted, quite as purringly:

     "Oh, everybody knows that.  What a pity he sometimes indulges too much!"

     In the days before prohibition, a bibulous person issued from a saloon in a state of melancholy intoxication, and outside the door he encountered a teetotaler friend.

     The friend exclaimed mournfully:

     "Oh, John, I am so sorry to see you come out of such a place as that!"

     The bibulous one wept sympathetically.

     "Then," he declared huskily, "I'll go right back!"

     And he did.

     When the Kentucky colonel was in the North, some one asked him the Kentuckians were in fact very bibulous.

     "No, suh," the colonel declared.  "I don't recon the're mo' than a dozen Bibles in the whole state."

     The Irish gentleman encountered the lady who had been ill, and made gallant inquiries.

     "I almost died," she explained.  "I had ptomaine poisoning."

     "And is it so?" the Irishman gushed.  And he added in a burst of confidence:  "What with that, ma'am, and delirium tremens, a body these days don't know what he dare eat or drink."

DRUGGED

     The police physician was called to examine an unconscious prisoner, who had been arrested and brought to the station-house for drunkenness.  After a short examination, the physician addressed the policeman who had made the arrest.

     "This fellow is not suffering from the effects of alcohol.  He has been drugged."

     The policeman was greatly disturbed, and spoke falteringly:

     "I'm thinkin', ye're right, sor.  I drugged him all the way to the station."

DUTY

     The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train.  He appealed to the conductor:

     "Can't you go any faster than this?"

     "Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard."