The child came to his mother in tears.

     "Oh, mama," he confessed, "I broke a tile in the hearth."

     "Never mind, dear," the mother consoled.  "But how ever did you come to do it?"

     "I was pounding it with father's watch?"

DANGER

     One foot in the grave, and the other slipping.

DEAD MEN'S SHOES

     When a certain officer of the governor's staff died, there were many applicants for the post, and some were indecently impatient.  While the dead colonel was awaiting burial, one aspirant buttonholed the governor, asking:

     "Would you object to my taking the place of the colonel?"

     "Not at all," the governor replied tartly.  "See the undertaker."

DEAFNESS

     In the smoking-room of a theatre, between the acts, an amiable young man addressed an elderly gentleman who was seated beside him:

     "This show is very good, don't you think?"

     The old gentleman nodded approvingly, as he replied:     "Me, I always take the surface cars.  Them elevated an' subway stairs ketches my breath."

     "I said the show was a good one," exclaimed the young man, raising his voice.

   Again, the elderly person nodded agreeably.

     "They jump about a good deal," was his comment, "but they're on the ground, which the others ain't."

     Now, the young man shouted:  "You're a little deaf, ain't you?"

     At last the other understood.

     "Yes, sir!"  he announced proudly.  "I'm as deaf as a post.  He chuckled contentedly.  "Some folks thinks as that's a terrible affliction, but I don't.  I kin always hear what I'm sayin' myself, an' that's interestin' enough for me."

*  *  *

An excellent old gentleman grew hard of hearing, and was beset with apprehension lest he become totally deaf.  One day, as he rested on a park bench, another elderly citizen seated himself alongside.  The apprehensive old gentleman saw that the new comer was talking rapidly, but his ears caught no faintes sound of the other's voice.  He listened intently -- in vain.  He cupped a hand to his ear, but there was only silence.  At last, in despair, he spoke his thought aloud:

     "It's come at last!  I know you've been talking all this while, but I haven't heard a single word."

     The answer, given with a grin, was explicit and satisfying to the worried deaf man:

     "I hain't been talkin' -- jest a-chewin'."

DEDICATION

The visitor to the poet's wife expressed her surprise that the man of genius had failed to dedicate any one of his volumes to the said wife.  Whereupon, said wife became flustered, and declared tartly:

     "I never thought of that.  As soon as you are gone, I'll look through all his books, and if that's so, I never will forgive him!"