The Southern Colonel at Saratoga Springs, in the days before prohibition, directed the colored waiter at his table in the hotel:

     "You-all kin bring me a Kentucky breakfast."

     "An' what is that, sir?"  the waiter inquired doubtfully.

    "The Colonel explained:

     "Bring me a steak, a bulldog and a quart of Bourbon whiskey."

     "But why do you order a bulldog?" asked the puzzled waiter.

     "To eat the steak, suh!" snapped the Colonel.

BREVITY

     The best illustration of the value of brief speech reckoned in dollars was given by Mark Twain.  His story was that when he had listened for five minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was going to contribute fifty dollars, after ten minutes more of the sermon, he reduced the amount of his prospective contribution to twenty five-dollars, after half an hour more of eloquence, he cut the sum to five dollars.  At the end of an hour of oratory when the plate was passed, he stole two dollars.

BRIBERY

     A thriving baseball club is one of the features of a boy's organization connected with a prominent church.  The team was recently challenged by a rival club.  The pastor gave a special contribution of five dollars to the captain, with the direction that the money should be used to buy bats, balls, gloves, or anything else that might help to win the game.  On the day of the game, the pastor was somewhat surprised to observe nothing new in the club's paraphernalia.  He called the captain to him.

     "I don't see any new bats, or balls, or gloves," he said.

     "We haven't anything like that," the captain admitted.

    "But I gave you five dollars to buy them," the pastor exclaimed.

     "Well, you see," came the explanation, "you told us to spend it for bats, or balls, or gloves, or anything that we thought might help to win the game, so we gave it to the umpire."

BRUTALITY

     Two ladies in a car disputed concerning the window, and at last called the conductor as referee.

     "If this window is open," one declared, "I shall catch cold, and will probably die."

    "If the window is shut," the other announced, "I shall certainly suffocate."     The two glared at each other.

     The conductor was at a loss, but he welcomed the words of a man with a red nose who sat near.  These were:

     "First, open the window, conductor.  That will kill one.  Next, shut it.  That will kill the other one.  Then we can have peace."

BURGLARY

      A young couple that had received many valuable wedding presents established their home in a suburb.  One morning the received in the mail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line:

     "Guess who sent them."

     The pair had much amusement in trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort.  They duly attended the theatre, and had a delightful time.  On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.  And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:

     "Now you know!"