The old trapper was chased by a grizzly.  When he had thrown away everything he carried, and found, nevertheless, that the bear was gaining rapidly, he determined to make a stand.  As he came into a small clearing, he faced about with his back to a stump, and got out and opened his clasp-knife.  The bear halted a rod away, and sat on its haunches, surveying its victim gloatingly.  The trapper, though not usually given to praying, now improved the interval to offer a petition.

     "O God," he said aloud, with his eyes on the bear, "if you're non my side, let my knife git 'im quick in 'is vitals, an' if you're on 's side, let 'im finish me fust off.  But, O God, if you're nootral, you jist sit thar on that stump, an' you'll see the darndest bear fight you ever hearn tell on!"

*  *  *

     The guide introduced a tourist in the Rocky Mountains to an old hunter who was reputed to have slain some hundreds of bears.

     "This feller," the guide explained to the hunter, "would like to hear about some of the narrer escapes you've had from bears."

     The old mountaineer regarded the tourist with a disapproving stare.

     "Young man, he said, "if there's been any narrer escapes, the bears had 'em."

BEER

     The father of a school boy in New York City wrote to the boy's teacher a letter of complaint.  Possibly he welcomed the advent of prohibition -- possibly not!  Anyhow, the letter was as follows:

     "Sir:  Will you please for the future give my boy some eesaier somes to do at nites.  This is what he brought home to me three nites ago.  If fore gallins of bere will fill thirty to pint bottles, how many pint and half bottles will nine gallins fill?  Well, we tried and could make nothing of it all, and my boy cried and said he wouldn't go back to school without doing it.  So, I had to go and buy a nine gallin' keg of bere, which I could ill afford to do, and then we went and borrowed a lot of wine and brandy bottles, besides a few we had by us.  Well we emptied the keg into the bottles, and there was nineteen, and my boy put that down for an answer.  I don't know whether it is rite or not, as we spilt some in doing it.

     P. S. -- Please let the next one be water as I am not able to buy any more bere."

*  *  *

     The new soda clerk was a mystery, until he  himself revealed his shameful past quite unconsciously by the question he put to the girl who had just asked for an egg-shake.

     "Light or dark?" he asked mechanically.

BEGGARS 

     The cultured maid servant announced to her mistresss, wife of the profiteer:

     "If you please, ma'am, there's a mendicant at the door."

     The mistress sniffed contemptuously:

     "Tell 'im there's nothin' to mend."

BEGINNERS

     A woman visitor to the city entered a taxicab.  No sooner was the door closed than the car leaped forward violently, and afterward went racing wildly along the street, narrowly mssing collision with innumerable things.  The passenger, naturally enough, was terrified.  She thrust her head through the open window of the door, and shouted at the chauffer:

     "Please, be careful, sir!  I'm nervous.  This is the first time I ever rode in a taxi."

     The driver yelled in reply, without turning his head:

     "That's all right, ma'am.  It's the first time I ever drove one!"